Dame Shirley Bassey, the Welsh crooner, was involved in a near-fatal helicopter crash yesterday when her expensive pink Julien MacDonald dress became entangled with the copter's blades on her way home from Glastonbury. She was forced to make a crash-landing on a school field in Surrey, and was given a refreshing cup of tea by locals.
Later, the Disco Diva reacted by putting her best Wellington boots, the dress and two pairs of soiled underpants up for sale on E-bay, with a starting price of £1000 for the lot.
Dame Shirley, who is 96, sang such rousing anthems as Hey Big Spender!, Diamonds Are Forever, Goldfinger and I Who Have Nothing, has fallen on hard times recently, and looks to have hit rock bottom with this latest act of pure desperation.
The faded star had been visiting the Glastonbury Festival over the weekend to see her favourite band, Mud, who she'd heard would be appearing. Sadly, the group disbanded after singer Les Gray died in 2005, and the only mud to be seen was that in the tread of her wellies!
Another Welsh pop star, Tom Jones, says that he once had to return a pair of Bassey's knickers to her after they attracted vermin to his home. She had previously removed them at one of his concerts, and thrown them onto the stage along with hundreds of other middle-aged desperate munters.
Now living in Monaco, Bassey, whose daughter fell from Bristol's Clifton Suspension Bridge in 1989 when 'tightening a nut', said that the James Bond-style helicopter was her pride and joy, and that she often uses it for "popping out to the shops". There was extensive damage to its rotor blades.
She told TheSpoof that she already had several pairs of Wellington Boots and a drawer full of dirty, stinking dung hampers, and added:
"I need the cash for some more of those twirly things that make it go up."