Written by Monkey Woods

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Monday, 25 June 2007

image for EastEnders Phil Mitchell Decides Not To Marry Stella
Stella. Would you marry her, or murder her?

The scriptwriters, production staff and actors of BBC1's EastEnders have pulled out all the stops this week, with a gripping storyline involving domestic violence, misery, child abuse, murder and a little bit more misery thrown in for good measure.

Phil Mitchell's son, Ben, who doesn't miss his dead mum Kathy like he used to, runs away to football camp, and rings Barbara Windsor, played by Peggy Mitchell, to say he won't return home until evil stepmother Stella is dead.

Meanwhile, Phil and Stella are making wedding plans, but Stella doesn't want Phil to meet her mother, who has three thumbs. In a fit of desperation, she goes to her mother's house and bludgeons her to death with a tea strainer.

Next, she chops up the carcass and stuffs it into a suitcase, and takes it directly to Paddington Green post office, from where she dispatches it to Darkest Peru.

Police at the destination are seen snoozing after having eaten a large meal.

An empty suitcase can be seen on the floor, covered in blood.

When Phil discovers what has happened, ("there's summink you ain't tellin' me!"), he loses his temper and headbutts Stella 48 times (an EastEnders record) and rains down 248 punches onto her skull, before placing her in the hole in the concrete floor recently vacated by Dirty Den Watts.

Whilst this is going on, everyone else sits in the Queen Vic drinking, arguing and 'not tellin' someone else summink', oblivious to the fact that, several miles away, little Ben has stolen a double-decker bus and rammed it into the Houses of Parliament.

Dot Cotton, fearful of the Government's new ban on smoking in public, commits suicide by stuffing herself into a washing machine at the launderette, along with underwear belonging to Keith Miller. As a mystery hand hovers excrutiatingly over the on/off button, the drums roll.

Watch it from behind the sofa, or better still, don't watch it.

Make Monkey Woods's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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