Glastonbury - (Fragrant Press): Organisers of this year's Glastonbury Festival have said the relentless downpours have been a huge blessing in disguise and probably the closest that the majority of the 180,000 scrofulous long-haired hippies have been to an actual bath all year.
"We've been praying the sun would stay away," a PR source said to the press today.
"You can't imagine what it can be like: Amy Whinehouse blaring away like a demented banshee, daft Bjork wittering as if she'd never actually heard herself from an audience perspective.....
"All to a backdrop of nearly two hundred thousand unwashed armpits, scrotums, pubes and feet. Roasting away in the summer sunshine, the heady aroma carried on a gentle southern breeze.
"And from the Festival perimiter fences of the Worthy Farm site the toxic fumes of 100 chemical lavatories working flat-out, straining the capacities of the sewage piping system and testing the ingenuity of the Somerset County Sanitation Department.
"Then there's the nits, the crabs and the fleas. You wouldn't believe how quickly they breed at temperatures over 68F.
"Last year when everybody packed up it cost us $500,000 to de-infestate the field before sanity and cattle could return as per normal."
Tonight the audience is eagerly awaiting bands such as The Kooks, Paul Weller, Babyshambles, Iggy and the Stooges, The Editors, Paolo Nutini and - most appropriately perhaps - the Dirty Pretty Things.