Written by Kilroy
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Friday, 15 June 2007

image for China Hates Fat Pirates
Insensitive? Who Me?

Chinese censors have cut half the scenes with Chow Yun-Fat from the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie, saying they insult, vilify and deface the Chinese people. Hollywood is still reeling from the Persian backlash against negative portrayals in "300". "Damn, we're running out of people to demonize," said one Hollywood producer. "All we have left is the Armenians and what kind of action flick can you make out of that?"

A Chinese magazine, Popular Cinema, suggested the scenes were cut because of the negative images they showed. "The captain starring Chow is bald, his face heavily scarred, he also wears a long beard and has long nails, images still in line with Hollywood's old tradition of demonizing the Chinese," the magazine said. A spokesman for the Railroad Commission disputed that claim, however, insisting that the title for the most sustained stereotypical exploitation of the Chinese belongs to them.

The Chinese reaction is simply the first of numerous protests by groups claiming negative images in the film. Gay groups have lampooned Johnny Depp's portrayal of the foppish Captain Jack Sparrow. "That eyeliner was all wrong for him, "said the spokesman for GAWD (Gays Against Working with Depp). It is claimed that as a result of his derogatory depiction and bad fashion sense, members have subjected to an increasing number of "pirate" and "booty" jokes.

Animal activists are also aghast by the depiction of the monkey in the film. "I'm shocked some people find firing a flaming monkey from a cannon acceptable behavior," said the spokesperson from DUMB (Don't Use Monkeys as Bullets). They also claimed a scene where the monkey pulled a pistol on the parrot unfairly characterized monkeys as "excessively violent opportunists".

An alcohol support group, SAVED (Society of Alcoholics Vicariously Enjoying Drinking), weighed in as well. Besides nothing that Keith Richards wasn't nearly drunk enough, they asked the question, "Why is there never any rum?"

So far members of the trans-species community haven't publicly commented yet. However, there is some concern that the negative depictions of the crew of the Dutchman might have repercussions resulting in species profiling. An ACLU lawyer pointed out that cultural insensitivity to aquatic hybrids is already prevalent in our society. "Why does something being 'fishy' imply dishonesty anyway?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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