Shortly after Paris Hilton announced that she found God at the medical facility of the Twin Towers detention center God has issued the following statement:
"I have in no time either been found by, or spoken to Ms. Hilton. My mother told me never to associate with women of her ilk since I received some bad press over that Mary Magdalene thing."
A Hispanic janitor at the facility, Jesus Rodriguez, stated that when he went to her room to mop the floor Ms. Hilton asked him his name, and when he told her, she dropped to her knees, and Mr. Rodriguez, familiar with her film career, unzipped his fly.
But Ms. Hilton only wrapped her hands around his waist and said, "Thank God I found you."
According to Jesus he replied, "Thank God I found you too but we got about two minutes before my supervisor gets here so lets do this thing."
Jesus further recounted the meeting: "She then asked me for my forgiveness and I said hey lady I'd forgive Bin Laden if he'd toot my wanker, then she began to sob at my feet, which, for me, man, is a total turn off, usually women cry after performing fellatio on me, not before, and she asked for my protection, and I said sure, you know, I got the mop and all I could fight off somebody, I mean the worst thing that happens here is when Tom Sizemore goes off his meds, this ain't exactly Riker's Island, and then she asked if it would be forever and I said lady I'll do what I can but I got kids at home ya know? But if she wants to give me a room at the mansion and you know, finish the deal we began before she was crying then sure I would protect her forever.
"She then climbed into the bed and asked me to bless her and I said sure, I mean I never heard it quite referred to by that euphemism but I can bless with the best of them, but then my supervisor came by so I put my hand on her head and told her as soon as the supervisor was gone I would bless her three, four times, hell all night long if she wanted it, and she told me she did, badly.
"I went back later that night to, you know, bless her, but man, she's got this rash, and I wasn't going anywhere near that thing, you know? So I left her, but she seemed happy."
When Hilton was asked if she might have mistaken Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for a Hispanic janitor she asked: "What a Hispanic?"