Written by Lorenzo Lee
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Friday, 6 February 2004

image for Clint Eastwood to Get Really Pissed If He Doesn't Win Oscar
Feeling Lucky, Punk?

CARMEL BY THE SEA, CA - It's Oscar time again. The Red Carpet unfolds---it's Hollywood's big night. Graced by only the cream of the crop celebrities, it is the one true measure of success by an actor, director or producer. One director who's counting on a win is Clint Eastwood, who directed and produced this year's critically acclaimed "Mystic River," starring Sean Penn.

In a candid interview over a round of .45 magnums and some stale whiskey, Eastwood stated his thoughts over life, his status as an American Icon, and the upcoming Oscars.

The Spoof: Well now, Clint, how does it feel to be nominated again for a 2nd time in the Best Director category?

Eastwood (squinting): It feels marvelous. And that's Mister Eastwood to you.

The Spoof: Um, ok. So, what do you think your chances are?

Eastwood: Well, I just hope they don't laugh at my mule. It ain't polite.

The Spoof: Your...mule. Ok. How do you feel about your transition from a B-movie actor to your current critically acclaimed status as an American Icon and Director?

Eastwood: Read your fortune cookie.

The Spoof: Excuse me, what?

Eastwood: Your fortune cookie...it says, "You're shit out of luck."

The Spoof: Ok. Now, having won your first Oscar in 1992 for "Unforgiven," how does it feel to be again in the limelight with all this pressure on you to win the Best Director award?

Eastwood: Listen, punk. To me, Oscar ain't nothing but dogshit. And a lot of things can happen to dogshit. It can be scraped up with a shovel, squashed, or it can be blown away in the wind. So listen up, punk. Be careful where the Oscar shits ya.

The Spoof: Needless to say, you really want this one bad.

Eastwood: Ah, ah...I know what you're thinkin': "Does he want to show that he doesn't care or is he gonna tell the truth?" Well, you bet your ass I want it bad. Or else, I'll go back and make another Dirty Harry sequel. Would you feel lucky about that, punk?

The Spoof: Please, God, NO!!

Eastwood: A man's got to know his limitations.

As the interview went on, Mr. Eastwood seemed to be poring over a new script, entitled "Dirty Oscar". The plot, which is still sketchy, revolves around a serial killer who murders Oscar voters.

So the race is on, punks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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