Written by Kilroy
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Topics: ABC, CBS, Lost, Jericho

Friday, 8 June 2007

image for CBS Resurrects Jericho While ABC Cancels Lost
Cleaning up television...one show at a time

After being bombarded by nuts, CBS executives scurried back and dug up the undead corpse of Jericho for another season. The dead have returned a few times before in the forms of Cagney and Lacey and Designing Women.

Still haunting the dreams of many to this day, some fear a return of more Zombies in the near future now that fans have smelled fear in the urine soaked pants of television executives. Now the apocalyptic battle brewing between adjacent post-nuclear Kansas towns will get to play out to its boring and bloody conclusion. This striking turn-around proves once and for all that network executives fear fans worst than bad ratings or evil clowns.

With a fan base just as dedicated, ABC was once smug and secure in its good ratings. But the same spies who posted spoilers to the season finale a month before it aired are now reporting that ABC is rethinking its decision to run 16 episode abbreviated seasons of LOST starting in February 2008. The conventional wisdom has changed from "Hell, they're fans, they'll wait as long as we tell them to wait," to "What if the fan base gets pissed off?" After three seasons with more questions than answers, what if fans start revolting?

ABC came up with a brilliant ploy to forestall any such fan revolt. ABC plans to announce that LOST will be cancelled. "The fans petition for LOST to be reinstated on the schedule and we'll start the abbreviated season in February-2008 like we originally planned. The fans will think they did it and it's a win-win," said executive producer J.J. Abrams laughing manically. Well, I guess we all know who "Ben's" character is modeled after.

But the specter of new found fan power may have some ugly, unforeseen consequences. For example, the Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network is being pressured by fans of the now canceled Assey McGee to bring back the detective…who consists of only an ass and a pair of legs. No seriously, that's it. The unrestrained ability to bring shows back from the dead is like a chapter of Pet Cemetery. After they buried the formerly canceled Family Guy in the Indian burial grounds look what came back. Soon the air waves could be overrun by resurrected undead series like Blossom and Mr. Belvedere.

The current president of K.I.D.S (Keep It Dead, Stupid) has a solution. "The only counter for the Night of the Living Dead situation on TV is an 'antifan' movement that puts silver bullets into shows that deserve to stay dead for all time. Else what we'll end up with is an aging Arnold as a night watchman quipping, 'Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis,' as Todd Bridges burglarizes the business Gary Coleman is guarding. And you really don't want that."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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