BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA (PIXLEY GAZZETTE) --Lindsay Lohan, 20, strung-out & drugged-out starlet has checked into Britney Spear's old alma mater, The Promises Rehab Center by the Sea for Losers in Malibu. Loser Lohan signed up for classes soon following her traffic accident, totaling her Mercedes and finding drugs in her car. A pair of unused panties were also found.
Her estrange father, Michael Lohan, who recently served jail time for assault and driving while intoxicated (Now I see the resemblance), revealed that his daughter is addicted to Beverly Hillbilly Heroin known as, painkiller OxyMoronBodine, which is believe to have been sold to her by Drug Dealer to the Stars, Jethro Bodine. Jethro, also a secret agent, was in the car Lohan was driving the day of her traffic accident. Jethro says, "I don't see what the big deal is. I just fill some of Granny's Moonshine Elixir into some hypodermic needles and sell them to my party friends. I even got them on Ebay"
Jethro adds, "Granny goes out and mixes up a batch right there in the cement pond out back. When we were young, me & my cousin Elie Mae, would party on Granny's hootch and end up working all night on our biology homework in the barn. I tell you, she was my hero...or heroin. Sometimes our mule, Rosie, would join in on the fun. Until, one day, she ran away to Mexico and opened up those donkey sex shows on the border. Yeah...we'd all have a bang up time together! OLE!"
Michael Lohan also told us, "I spoke to the people treating Lindsay, because I wanted to make sure she was getting the right care. And I'm satisfied they are doing the right thing for her, helping her detox from the painkillers and things. That's a very important step" DUH! You think?! Lohan will remain in the looney bin by the ocean for several months cleansing out her system & stinky colon.
Her real uphill battle at the center will be fought fighting what is now known as Britney Spear's Syndrome, Proper panty usage.