Big Brother 8 opened for business last night, and every kind of deluded, deranged and deformed degenerate walked in through its doors to be subjected to up to 13 weeks of intense public leerage. Only one thing was missing - a man - and on Friday evening, even this glaring omission will be put right.
Yes, the all-girl House will have a collective 'fire in the hole' as they mull over what kind of male specimen will eventually come lurching into their midst, ready and able to get their fannies a-twitching, and "oil their cogs".
TheSpoof, however, has received information that will not please the ladies, for the rampant stallion set to be unleashed into Dreamland is none other than wheelchair-bound cripple and physicist Stephen Hawking.
Professor Hawking is an avid follower of Big Brother, and regularly casts his vote by 'thought transfer', an ability he acquired after he was struck on the head by a coconut when aged two.
Although married, he is known amongst mathematicians as 'a bit of a Lothario', and has told friends that he "can't wait to get in amongst the vixens".
A specially adapted chair is to be installed in the Diary Room for his lectures, and a mechanical hoist by the side of the pool, so that the genius will be able to enjoy an occasional dip.
There is sure to be competition over Hawking, if only for his share of the meals - the Professor himself cannot eat solid foods, and survives solely on three meals per day of porridge sucked through a straw.
Channel 4 bosses are keeping tight-lipped about Friday's surprise Housemate, saying only that the person will be "a shining example of thinking women's crumpet."