Written by Kilroy
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Topics: Rosie O'Donnell

Friday, 25 May 2007

image for Rosie O'Donnell Dumps Trouble in Hasselbeck's Dressing Room
From Rosie's Blog: "I lost 75 pounds. Ask me how."

Taking their highly public feud to a whole other level, janitors for The View claim that Rosie O'Donnell took a huge dump in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's dressing room early this morning. Ms. Hasselbeck supposedly fled the stench in tears and had to be hospitalized for toxic exposure, prompting Barbara Walters to evacuate the studio amid public safety concerns. Head custodian Mo Messinger reportedly dispatched a team of four janitors equipped with biohazard suits, mops and shovels to clean up the hazardous waste. The clean-up took almost an hour and a 55 gallon drum was observed being cautiously removed from the room.

"We have contained the spill" Mo told reporters during a press conference. Barbara Walters later issued the "all clear" and the show went on as planned. However, Mr. Messinger was heard to remark, "We'll never get that smell out, so we're probably going to have to demolish the entire dressing room as well as most of the wing". One janitor suffered an anxiety attack but is expected to recover.

Ms. Hasselbeck has suspected for some time that Rosie has been trashing her dressing room and recently had a surveillance camera installed. Investigators viewed the tape and promptly had it destroyed after noting, "There are some things no human being should ever see. This is one of them." Ms. Hasselbeck, speaking from her hospital bed described walking into a "fog of toxic gas" and becoming disoriented before realizing to her horror that the shape in the corner was "not a midget." She expressed outrage that Barbara "continues to tolerate this childish behavior from that wormy bitch."

Rosie denies harassing Hasselbeck, claiming instead to have become confused after listening to Hasselbeck's "dumb-ass comments" and simply wandered into her dressing room by mistake. "It's hard to stop a train once it gets rolling, if you know what I mean", she snickered. It is unknown if and when Rosie will return to the set, but Barbara suggested she "lay off the burritos for a while".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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