Written by Jack Battler
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Monday, 21 May 2007

image for Shrek and Fiona Sex Toys Excite Fans
"Do I make you horny?"

SIMIAN VALLEY, CALIF--As the third Shrek movie approaches box office records after raking in a fat $122m (€90m) at the U.S. box office, the sale of several sex toys based on the leading characters has some fans of the kid-friendly show hot under the collar.

"Shrek's Ogre Club" vibrator for women and a suggestively shaped "Fiona Fellatio" masturbatory device for men have exceeded expectations by becoming the third-biggest sellers in adult sex-toy history.

Jobe Primrod of the Sanity and Morality for Moviegoers Movement (S&M3) says the toys are an outrage and should be banned.

"These toys represent an attempt to corrupt the things we all hold sacred," Primrod said. "Shrek and the world of Shrek as portrayed in the three popular movies should not be the subject of sexualization by profiteering perverts. I'm starting a petition to completely ban these so-called toys from store shelves… and I've already got more than a dozen signatures, so beware you freaks!"

The creator of the toys, Randy Johnson, says the toys are not targeted at children at all but at those who have come to associate very intimately with the characters and are now grown up.

"These movies have been around for almost ten years now," Johnson said. "There are many adults who grew up watching Shrek and feel a personal connection to him and the other characters. So there is something very comfortable and, well… sexy about him. We are just responding to that need."

Analysts expect the latest film to gross between $80m (€60m) and $110m (€82m), but say the toys based on Shrek probably won't make near that much.

"They are doing quite well in adult stores... nothing like the amount the movies themselves have made though," Johnson said. "The real test will be after our animated X-rated spin-off DVD is out. This is kind of like an instructional video in that it parodies the Shrek movies and also demonstrates ways to use the toys along with the DVD. Hopefully that will help if sales become flacid, but if not, we have other associated toys on the drawing board set to release right after the DVD, including an adult toy based on the Puss in Boots character and also - one that we've had lots of requests for - a sex toy based on the Donkey character. That should bring sales to a climax."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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