Written by Monkey Woods
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Saturday, 19 May 2007

image for Lily Allen Admits To Being Fat And Ugly
Amy Winehouse yesterday

Popster Lily Allen, who is absolutely wonderful, has checked into a weight loss clinic after confessing recently to fans on her Myspace page that she was "fat, ugly, fugly and a worse crooner than Amy Winehouse".

Allen, the daughter of delusional 'actor' Keith Allen, is in the US on tour, and said she feels intimidated by, what she feels, are more attractive women with lovely figures and dress sense. Lily, who is a terrible dresser, and a size 14, had previously not felt so threatened by her shape, but has revealed that she is now awaiting tragic gastric bypass surgery and laser liposuction, as well as extensive plastic surgery on her face.

"I'm full of shit", she said, "and I've got an ugly mug."

Doctors at the Welders Bench plastic surgery clinic have their work cut out. Surgeon Donald Niptuck told Smash Shits music rag:

"We know this is a big job. We have ordered scaffolding."

Shocked fans flooded Miss Allen's website with messages of support.

Adam, 6, and his sister Bethany, 4, wrote:

"We love you. Get thin and better soon."

Bitter rival Miss Winehouse, who looks like a horse, said of Miss Allen:

"She's not fat or ugly. Not that much. Well, actually...she is."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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