The latest instalment in the Spiderman series has flopped at the box office, with cinemas empty all over the country since its release date last Friday. Spiderman 3 completely "bombed" in Britain, and it is rumoured that it may be removed from screens this week.
The one exception was in Dudley, where the film is set, where audiences flocked to the cinema in their dozens. On its opening day, no fewer than 58 people queued around a bus stop for nearly 15 minutes before being allowed in to the Showcase.
Reactions were favourable, as fans of the film emerged from the darkness. One said:
"It w' grayte, wer it?"
Another confessed she had bought two cones of popcorn, and eaten them both in the excitement of the exhilarating finale.
Film critics had speculated that the movie would break all box office records. Gushing BBC film "expert" and self-promoter Jonathan Woss, who is also a cretin, said:
It's bwilliant! Peter Parker picks a peck of pickleds pider, pwecipitating perpendicular pwowess by way of pwehensile paws. Pure pantomime, and a patchwork of pwevious plots, it's pawadoxically pafetic and perfect. Tobey Maguire pwoduces a powerfuw pivotal perfowmance as Peter, wiv Kirsten Dunst packing a punch as Pwetty Polly or Betty...or whatevva."
Spiderman 4 commences filming in July this year. It will contain even newer special effects, with the superhero able to jump higher and further, and expending less energy in so doing. Apart from that, the new film will be exactly the same as the pwevious thwee.