California - (Ass Mess): Affluent peroxide bombshell nonentity Paris Hilton has hit out at the draconian imposition of the electronic ankle tag that Judge Sauer has ordered her to wear for 90 days as part of her custodial sentence for violating a DUI order.
The CRAP Monitor - Continuous Remote Activated Panty Monitor - will check every 30 minutes whether Hilton is wearing underwear and can deliver a mild-to-moderate electric shock if her ass registers bare.
It will also summon the LAPD within minutes of a positive reading who can then enforce Sauer's sentencing conditions by ensuring she dons a pair of LA Penitentiary Department standard issue panties complete with her prisoner number and electronic barcode.
Hilton's attorney says his client is distraught with rage at what she calls the judge's 'bare-assed cheek':
"This cruel and unwarranted CRAP order is pure crap. Crap, crap, crap.
"Doesn't Judge Sauer know that natural blondes have this inbuilt immunity from prosecution?
"The defense rests!"