Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 26 April 2007

image for Heather Mills McCartney Dumped Out Of 'Dancing With The Stars'
She's out

Heather Mills McCartney, the estranged wife of murdered ex-Soviet spy Alexander Litvinenko, has been banished from Dancing With The Stars, the US version of the BBC show, Stiffly Come Dancing.

Mrs MM, 49, and her partner Jonathan Roberts, were expelled after a terrible performance this week, described by judges as "pathetic".

One of them, Bruno Tonioli, said: "She's wooden!"

Another, Carrie Ann Inaba, was even more cutting, when she said:

"Remove her! It's as if she's only got one leg!"

When Mrs MM burst into tears and revealed that she was indeed "minus a pin", the audience fell silent, until one cruel heckler broke ranks and shouted "Silver!" after the well-known pirate of the same name.

The ex-model, who is in the process of taking someone to the cleaners, said she wasn't surprised at her ejection, and had a farewell speech, amounting to eight pages, hidden in her prosthetic appendage.

Backstage after the show, the topic of conversation at the Eviction Party, turned to 'what the leg was made of', with suggestions ranging from lead, titanium, Plaster of Paris and glass, to plain and simple wood.

Judge Len Goodman commented:

"Taking into account her lack of lower body mobility, I'd have to say that it's teak. Either that or Parana Pine."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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