Maynard MA - Former singer-songwriter Sheryl Crow unveiled her ambitious plan to fight the double scourges of global warming and individual responsibility at the annual Lovers of Fatback and Other Pork Products Earth Day Symposium.
Crow, who has not worn clothing publicly since abandoning her career as an airy acoustic folk-rock balladeer in order to focus on her new life as a self-satisfied celebrity scolder, sported what appeared to be a banana leaf purse attached to her rectum with hemp tubing.
"I have been working on my idea quietly for some time now, and I'm finally ready to bring it to the mainstream. As everybody knows, most people use paper to wipe their asses after a dump. Many people even go so far as to use enough tissue to thoroughly cleanse themselves. Well, those archaic days are done. My little friend here may look like an ordinary gathering pouch you might see hanging off your dying uncle's hospital bed, but I assure you it's much more than that. Women and men, I give you the Crowostomy Bag!"
Following the delighted crowd's enthusiastic gasps and sporadic shouts of, "You rock more than Bono!" Ms. Crow explained the earth-friendly design of her invention.
"My thought process was that this design needed to be completely self-contained and biodegradable. To that end, the Crowostomy Bag never needs cleaning or emptying. Rather, once the leaf-based pouch has received enough waste, it sends a text message to your cell phone letting you know it's ready to be detached from the hemp tubing and added to your backyard compost heap. Benefit? Well, get back to me after you harvest next year's vegetable garden!"
Crowostomy Bags will be sold in packs of twelve, and a percentage of each sale will be donated to Al Gore's presidential campaign.
Harvard University, Dairy Queen, and the state of Oregon have already pledged to be TP-free by 2009.