London - (Ass Mess): The West End stage show Equus is closing early in June and leading actor Daniel Radcliffe has been dumped after audiences said that the sex scenes were faked.
"Those of us who work in the thoroughbred livestock industry know an equine erection when we see one," said a Newmarket horse breeder, Seamus O'Shergar.
"Paying sixty quid for a ticket to see such a load of old bollox is one bloody rip off.
"I've seen better hard-ons in a Weston Super Mare donkey derby.
"And as for Radcliffe the man's a eunuch. This must be the only West End stage show ever where the leading man has to wear a falsie."
The play will close in London but may embark on a new 12-week national tour with a different cast including new horses trained to cope with the stresses of voyeuristic audiences.
"Some of them that come here night after night, they're not here for the culture you understand," a stage hand reported.
"They just come to leer in the front stalls, salivating at the thought of what they themselves might like to do to these fine hendsome animals.
"None of it's natural, see.
"And Radcliffe? We have a good laugh about him most nights when we see that body stocking he wears stuffed with the foam rubber dildo.
"It's a wonder they'll be having him back on the Harry Potter film set, what with him so utterly pervy it frightens the animals."
J K Rowling is 69.