Prince William, recently dumped by decidedly ordinary Kate Middleclass, is to try his luck with someone a few steps down the social ladder - and the evolutionary scale! - ex-Big Brother and Celebrity Big Brother slug Jade Goody.
The Prince, who had been told by advisors that he should "live a little" and "mix it" with the knuckle-dragging classes, and has decided to go as low as one could go, and has contacted "old fishface" for a date.
Jade, from the lowest of the Lower Non-working Class, and out of the limelight since her 'Shilpa Shetty Glory Days', is eager to be noticed again after the recent slump in her fortunes.
It's thought that William, himself, was interested in "kissing" Shetty, until his grandad intervened and gave him a stern talking-to on the subject.
Jade is a big fan of the Prince's mother, Princess Diana, and owns a huge collection of crockery with the face of the Princess of Hearts on it. She also has a copy of the Sir Elton John CD 'Goodbye England's Rose', although she couldn't understand why the quirky singer referred to her thus when her name was clearly 'Diana'.
Certain to become known as The Odd Couple, William and Jade had intended to travel to the Caribbean to see England take part in the semi-finals of the Cricket World Cup, but they have now abandoned this stupid plan.
Instead, Jade is to give the Prince a guided tour of Billingsgate Fish Market.
"Marvellous innit?" said the out-of-work beast.