Written by El Bandito
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Thursday, 19 April 2007

image for The case of Simon Cowell, the weeping Idol contestant, and the AK47
Cowell: Looks love, you can't sing, let's see how well you can dance!

A shocking report just came from the studio of American Idol in Beverly Hills, California. Simon Cowell, one of the judges of the popular talent show, reportedly took out an AK47 machine gun and fired repeatedly at a contestant.

Appalled audiences booed and showed their tongues at the judge while the cynical man fired away. 5 minutes later, in a desperate attempt to put an end to the conflict, Ryan Seacrest called for quiet, all the while expressing his concerns for the poor singer.

Paul Abdul, one of the gentler judges of American Idol: Search for the Next Star, said that the contestant wasn't even bad enough for Simon to fire wildly at her.

The shot contestant, Jayda Von Helsing, 41 of Chicago, Illinois, is now at the Bradley Hospital and is being treated for shock.

'She was just singing this wonderful lil' country tune,' Remembered audience Thelma Hastings, 'When that horrible man took out his gun and started shooting and shouting at her to dance. Naturally we were horrified and booed the guy.'

In an appeal to testify what Simon did, audiences enthusiastically reenacted the scene while some others gave lurid descriptions.

"That chicken suit-wearing Jayda Von Helsing did have a chance to get in", audience member Terry Dickinson said, "if she hadn't started weeping at the Virginia Tech massacre. That really pissed Simon off."

This is not the reality show judge's first display of anger against a contestant. Last December he reportedly hosed down a contestant Carl Mannings, a 16-year old boy of New Orleans who suffered through the Boxing Day Tsunami, Hurricane Katrina and whose mother was traumatised by the 911 terrorist attacks.

Simon Cowell's display pushed the show's ratings through the roof and has signed a new 10-year deal with FOX.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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