Written by Fife Peterson
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Tuesday, 17 April 2007

image for Richard Gere: "Gimme a break man"
Indian protesters burn down video shop in protest

Sobbing fans of Richard Gere were today were delighted when rampant locals switched their hatred, instead to the attention of 'India's favouritist Indian in the world ever' Shilpa Shetty.

Things took a turn for the worst yesterday when Gere, 65 systematically stuck his 'tongue down Shetty's throat, whispering "are you clean downstairs?", and forced his hand up her top looking for "a stray bird who'd lost it's way, flying directly into Shetty's bar region".

Protesters on the streets of Mumbai, jealous that Gere had unfairly, 'had a go' after they themselves had been waiting years, even for a flash of ankle. The situation arose yesterday at the annual 'burning of the effigy festival' in Mumbai, India. Previous 'idols' have been Jade Goody, Tony Blair & Paul O'Grady. Graham Norton narrowly missing out by a handful of votes in the press dubbed 'battle of the backdoor charlies' in 2004.

Shetty's publicist Steve Cashowitz called the situation "brittle and ongoing" and called for demonstrators to show 'restraint & compassion' . "If they want to see a 'bit of action' they should go buy her latest film, "Delicious in Delhi" which sees her in various amorous moments, it's available in all good cash converters outlets, or charity shops", he said today at a press conference in London today.

Shetty, no stranger to news columns was once caught stealing from an Anne Summers shop in Portsmouth, UK. Her haul, reported to be worth £36.70 included furry handcuffs, chocolate body paint and rubber gloves. The star was rapped softly on the wrist by a judge who said she was both "beautiful and a victim of racism". Anne Summers PLC were ordered to pay the star £3million in damages and offer an unlimited supply of sex toys at her beck and call. Shetty was unavailable for comment this afternoon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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