(Provo--UT) "As Charlton Heston is my witness, I didn't think you could kill a cartoon character." That was the statement of disbelief uttered by NRA Executive Vice President, Wayne LaPierre, when he was informed that SpongeBob SquarePants was shot and killed yesterday during a photo shoot for a series of new NRA ads in which he was to be the spokes sponge.
"SpongBob Can't Save Our Children" was to be the ad slogan. "The point of SpongeBob, as well intentioned as he is, being impotent to save a child is what we were after," said NRA marketing director, Adolf Eichmann, no relation to the Nazi. "And what better way to bring that point home than to put him in an urban environment and shoot him. I thought we'd get the usual cartoon Xs for eyes, not blood. We were just waiting for him to get up and crack a joke, like: 'Oh, that really smartees', but he never did."
The notion of the late sponge being a pitch sponge for such a right wing organization was not without controversy from the beginning. From a phone interview at his Bel Air manse, Patrick T. Starfish uttered a terse: "He got what he deserved." Starfish refused to answer the question that he had lost out as pitch fish to SquarePants.
SpongeBob SquarePants' Hollywood uber agent Saul Bellow, no relation to the deceased Nobel Prize winning author, defends his late client's position. "We wanted to give Bob more of a macho image, to squash the gay rumors that had been swirling around. Tinky Winky can pull that off. He carries a purse and there's that whole British thing."
Bellow absolutely denied rumors that the shooting was due to drug use on the set, which gave rise to a fatal game of Russian roulette. Bellow bellowed: "This is SpongeBob SquarePants we're talking about not Jon-Erik Hexum."
The NRA is trying to put a positive spin on the unfortunate event. Eichmann maintains: "Well, we now know for sure that a) SpongeBob can't protect children from, at least, small caliber, automatic weapons fire and b) cartoon characters can die."
Funeral services for SqaurePants will be held next Thursday at Temple Rudolph Shalom in New York City.
FACTOID: SpongeBob is the only cartoon character to be harmed by small arms fire since Elmer Fudd's shotgun "rotated" Daffy Duck's bill to the back top of his head in the 1949 Looney Tunes "Daffy Duck Soup".