Kate Middleton has narrowly avoided becoming the next Princess Diana this week by finally breaking it off with boyfriend Prince William.
In an exclusive interview, Middleton revealed that their relationship could not continue because they are simply incompatible people.
She said: "Will's sex mad, you see, and I'm a telly addict. I'd be sitting down to watch Neighbours at lunchtime, and he'd be all over me. It was really off-putting. I couldn't watch any decent TV without locking myself in the loo with a portable one. But even that didn't stop him!"
Will's former geography schoolmaster commented: "It's not surprising that the boy's so horny all the time. What with marching around all day with a group of young virile men, holding swords and rifles with bayonets. I mean, how many phallic symbols can a lad cope with?!"
Kate Middleton is 25, 34/30/34 seeks fun with male 20-30, GSOH, enjoys TV and stroking fluffy kittens.