A satire writer and school teacher from Durham, North Carolina has been arrested for carrying on lewd sexual acts with animals. The man, referring to himself as "The King" was running through a park Easter weekend, picking up peoples' dogs as they walked them, and measuring the size of their penis.
If it was nine inches or larger, he attempted to purchase the animal. For those less well endowed dogs, he would scream: "what are you, oriental?" Then, he would throw the dog at the owner and demand that they buy a sack of dirt from him.
At the arraignment, he was asked by the judge why he was selling the dirt to owners of dogs with smaller genitalia. King responded that "it is my miracle dirt and can make anything grow. It's full of rotten trees and comes from the river bank. Try my soil! I even carry it around in my old pick-up!"
When the judge asked him why he wanted dogs with larger penises, he responded by saying that "I can't win at Westminster or Eukanuba if my doggy's got a dainy ding-a-ling!"
The man known only as King did pass a breathalizer test and there was no evidence of drug use. As he was being taken away to the prison to await trial, he was heard to yell: "Bucky? Bucky! I should have listened to you! I should have looked for dogs with shaved vaginas!"