New York - (Ass Mess): A frantic Heather Mills has been caught in secret email exchanges with President George W Bush by private investigators working for her husband's divorce lawyers.
Mills, 39, bore Bush a son when she was barely 14 years old after being paid £25,000 by the Osteoporosis division of the Ancient American Order of the Skull 'n' Bones.
The chimera was spawned at the George Sank Hotel in Paris after a heady weekend of hideous kinky which, to be fair to the gormless idiot fourteen year old slapper, must have been a fairly gut-wrenching event regardless of the anaesthesia used to brighten the event.
The child that she subsequently bore had the fateful burden of being a total doppelganger lookalike for Princess Diana's first-spawned son William.
And then William was shot by Charles at Kensington Palace in 1986 in a police handgun 'accident'.
A simple internment under the Palace wisteria was all that was needed before the Mills cuckoo was implanted into the Diana family in a cunning deal brokered by Cherry Bush pal and up and coming young London shyster lawyer Fiona Shackleton.
Ten years later when Diana divorced from her Hellfire Club wacko it was Shackleton who conducted the tricky issues of wee little William and child support handouts from the royal coffers.
But today Heather is desperate as Shackleton handles the divorce for Paul McCartney as she did for Charles back in 1996.
Booted out by her husband after one blackmail too many and pressured into signing a deal where the top matrimonial offer is diddly squat, Heather has gone to New York to dance away her troubles.
An emailed ultimatum to George W Bush was easy enough and soon brought private investigators hotfoot to Manhattan to sniff out the sweeteners that only Bush can offer to restore Heather's life to the legendary gold digger heaven she was once promised.
As he sits in Crawford this Easter weekend, Bush is still confident of rustling up enough $$$$ to keep Mills happy despite her downfall.
However, rumors that a whistleblower may have infiltrated the private investigators with the incriminating emails are now causing havoc with the Justice Department.
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