London - (Rioters): Keith Richards says that modern bands these days are just plain rubbish. "Take the Arctic Mokeys, the Libertines and Bloc Party and shove them all up your ass, that's what I say," Richards, 64 told reporters as he leaned on his Zimmer frame.
"Call that rock 'n' roll do ya? In my days they wouldn't even get support billing for a Donny Osmond gig or Val Doonican.
"Music these days it's all about money, money, money. Now when I was a lad and just starting out......"
Mr Richards then fell into a comatose trance as PR aides frantically propped him up against the bar and closed the interview.
"Must be his dad's ashes interferring with synaptic tissue response," muttered a personal nurse amid press questions about whether Richards really snorted up his father's cremated remains along with cocaine.
Earlier Richards had enthralled the interview by relating how one day on tour when the Rolling Stones were sitting under a date palm in Fiji he decided to climb the tree for a bit of atmosphere.
"And then suddenly bam! I fell off a frond, forcing dates on me mates the Rolling Stones sitting below.
"Six months later and I'm finally outta hospital. Better than ever mate. Completely cured. Partial lobotomy, full frontal trepanning and cortex bypass straight to the amygdala! Hey! There's a song about that in me somewhere..."
Mick Jagger is 62.