In a surprise move, American Idol has dropped all but two of their current finalists and invited back the last ten cut attractive female contestants. They have also announced a cooperative marketing deal with Hugh Hefner and the Playboy empire.
Simon Cowell, in an interview at the show's Fox production facility, granted reporters time for a few questions:
Question: "Why has American Idol dropped most of their finalists?"
Cowell" "Let's face it. While most of them, especially the two fat black girls, had some talent, most of them were also ugly. We kept one good looking black girl and the white girl with the big knockers and let everyone else go."
Question: "And why was this done?"
Cowell: "We wanted to bring back some of our hotter contestants. You've seen how Antonella has lit up the internet search engines. She's now more exposed than Britney Spears was last fall. When Alaina did the same thing, it really told us we had to do this. We're bringing back some of the real hotties from earlier in the competition and putting them back on the stage."
Question: "So is this no longer a singing competition?"
Cowell: "It still is. We're now trying to find the next Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, or Madonna. We could care less if we get the next Striesand or Karen Carpenter, we want the Singing Skank."
Question: "Is this formula going to work?"
Cowell: "Look at Kelly Pickler from last year. Have you seen her boob job? Have you seen her videos? It will work."
Question: "You are now partnered with Playboy. Why?"
Cowell: "We want professional images of these girls in magazines and online, not the home camera stuff that Antonella started out with. Men simply want to see the nipples in focus."
Question: "Will you continue filming the shows at Fox?"
Cowell: "No, we're moving to HBO where we can show a little more skin. We're also going to film in a lot of the places made famous by the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Our first new show will start the girls in bikinis on a beach, playing volleyball for their Coke ad and bouncing around. Victoria's Secret will provide the swimwear and lingerie for all of the ladies from now on."
Question: "Are you, Randy, and Ryan getting any fringe benefits from this change in the competition and can you tell us about them?"
Cowell: "Oh God, yes and a gentleman does not discuss those things. But, since I'm no gentleman,.....
(Rest of interview cut as this is a family publication)