London - (Assinine Press): John Revolta has told a BBC chat show host that if it wasn't for Scientology his tacky eighties-style toupee would have been outed years ago as a tatoo cover-up on his hairless pate spelling out I Am A Tosser.
"I've tried to have them surgically removed, but that would mean loss of too much connective brain tissue," Revolta told BBC's Jonathan Toss.
"Luckily for me and depsite my flabby corpulent ass, lacklustre personality and alligator smile, Scientology has kept me busy.
"In exchange for a very reasonable 10% annual slice of my income they even keep me out of jail for some 1974 sex crimes.
"I would recommend it to anyone. Especially David and Victoria Beckham who look like sure-thing tossers to me."