Pop sensation Britney Spears is reportedly carrying the love child of a random fan she met backstage at a concert in L.A. last year. This intrepid reporter was able to get an exclusive interview with Britney before she was able to speak with either her attorneys or her publicist about her pregnancy. What follows is a transcript of that meeting:
Spoof: "So, Britney, I heard congratulations are in order."
Spears: "Yes, I'm quite pleased that the controversy over my fake wedding has started to blow over."
Spoof: "No, I'm referring to your little bundle of joy."
Spears: "Yeah, Jason is kind of little in that department, but he sure did bring me some joy. I mean, he's no Justin, but what man is?"
Spoof: "No, forget about Jason for a second, let me start over."
Spoof: "So, Britney, I heard you're pregnant."
Spears: "Oh yeah, that."
Spoof: "So are the rumors true?"
Spears: "Well, sort of…"
Spoof: "So, you're ‘sort of' pregnant then? How is that?"
Spears: "Well, I'm pregnant right now, but I'm gonna talk to my lawyers today and I'm gonna get it annulled."
Spoof: "So, you're saying you're getting an abortion then? Were you empowered by your pal and idol Madonna who reportedly had 20 or 30 throughout the 1980s?"
Spears: "Oh gosh no. I would never have an abortion. I think it's wrong to kill a baby."
Spoof: "So you're going to do something so you won't be pregnant anymore, but you're not going to have an abortion? How is that?"
Spears: "Well, I'm getting an annulment."
Spoof: "You're having your pregnancy annulled?"
Spears: "No, I'm having my wild sex party annulled."
Spoof: "I don't think you can do…."
Spears: "Look, it's simple. My lawyers explained it to me. If you do something stupid because you don't realize there are consequences, then you can have it annulled."
Spoof: "Uh huh."
Spears: "It's like my wedding to Jason, y'all. I mean, I didn't think it was a real weddin', I thought we were having one of those fake weddins."
Spoof: "So, fake wedding? You mean like you thought it was a TV wedding or what, I'm confused."
Spears: "No, like a Vegas weddin'. You know, like when people say to each other ‘do you want to have a real weddin' or do you just want to go to Vegas?'"
Spoof: "I see."
Spears: "Yeah, so I always thought that you could just go to Vegas and get a fake weddin' so you could like have the ceremony and tell the other person what they mean to you and all, but you wouldn't really be ‘married' married, you'd just be Vegas married."
Spoof: "OK, I think I see where you're going with this. So, you got married in Vegas because you thought a Vegas wedding was just a ‘for show' wedding, and didn't really mean anything? So, if that's what you're saying, how does this apply to being pregnant?"
Spears: "Well, it's simple. When I was havin' dirty sex with those 4 boys backstage, I didn't think it was real sex…not the Justin kind of sex where I was in love…I figured that counts, and so I always made him wrap his rascal. I thought it was the kind of sex Jason and I always had, you know where you're not really in love, so it doesn't count. I figured if it didn't count, I couldn't get pregnant."
Spoof: "So, you had sex with 4 guys backstage at one of your concerts, but you didn't think it was real sex, just the fake kind?"
Spears: "Exactly. You see, I always figured Justin took my virginity, because he was the first person to have real sex with me, because we were in love and it meant something. But all those other guys before and after him were just fun and games, kind of like what I thought a Vegas weddin' was."
Spoof: "So, you weren't really a virgin like you said?"
Spears: "No, apparently I was a dirty whore. I just didn't know that the sex counted until now."
Spoof: "And now that you know that all sex counts…"
Spears: "...I know that I can get pregnant even from the fake kind of sex."
Spoof: "And, knowing this will allow you to not be pregnant, how?"
Spears: "Because like I said, y'all. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know the dirty 5 way I was having was real and that I could get really pregnant, so, I'm just gonna have my lawyers do what they did before and have that sex party annulled, so it never happened, then I won't be pregnant anymore."
Spoof: "And you don't see any problem with this approach?"
Spears: "Well, I haven't talked to my lawyers yet, and I suppose it might be hard to find all 4 of those guys much less find out which one of ‘em knocked me up, but I've got money and that can usually solve these kind of problems. Biggest problem would be if all 4 of 'em got me co-pregnant, then we'd probably need all their signatures."
Spoof: "Well Britney, it's been quite an experience sitting down with you today."
Spears: "The pleasure's all mine. Is there some way I can repay you for letting me set the record straight?"
Spoof: "Well, I suppose, a blow job doesn't really count as sex, does it?"
Spears: "Well, that's how I understand it, I think that's a law now because President Clinton said it didn't count. You want one?"
Spoof: "If you want to repay me for my interview, I guess that would be fine…I mean, if it would make you feel better."
Spears: "Yeah, that'd be great. But you'd better wrap your rascal just in case, I don't want to get one of those throat pregnancies I heard tell about."
So, there you have it. Britney Spears may be a complete moron, but who cares? She can sing, she can dance, and she can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.