Written by Barry Subchimp
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Topics: british, Hull

Sunday, 11 January 2004

image for Dead hand up bird's arse to save British entertainment
Grope: Emu escapes Rod's control and cops a feel of TV kerb-crawler Frank Bough. Bough never complained.

IT WAS revealed this week, that in a desperate bid to save the British entertainment industry, the hand of dead puppeteer Rod Hull will be re-animated and inserted in his loveable sidekick, Emu.

Fans of the frizzy-haired legend were shocked and dismayed in 1999, when he died after falling off the roof of his bungalow while attempting to adjust the TV aerial during a televised football match.

But now, five years after his demise, the dead star's hand will be severed, brought back to life, and stuffed up Emu's marmite-motorway in a pioneering operation.
"It would be great to shove Rod's dead hand up into a warm cavity once again," said Dr Keith Harris, chief surgeon at the inanimate sidekick wing of Addenbrooke's Hospital, Cambridge.

"Wherever Rod is, he'll undoubtedly be happy that a part of him lives on in Emu, literally!"

However, fans of the hell-raising bird may not see the same Emu they know and love.

"Rod usually stuck his right hand up Emu's arse, but some of the nails on that hand were badly bitten," added Dr Harris. "As a result, we'll have to use the left hand, with which Rod was renowned for being far less proficient.

"Emu wouldn't be able to cause nearly as much havoc as he did at the height of his career.

"We had the same problem when we did this with Bob Carolgees' corpse. Now Spit the Dog can only gob for about a yard and a half, plus, a bald patch on the dog had to be covered by transplanting Bob's trademark ‘tash onto Spit's back - there's all sorts of problems we could run into."

Meanwhile Britain holds its breath in anticipation of the groundbreaking procedure, in the hope that the state of the nation's entertainment industry can be boosted by the medical marvel, scheduled to take place late next month.
An excited spokesman for Rod Hull told The Spoof: "After intense consultation with my client, it is my regret to inform you that he is still dead."

But with the date of the operation drawing ever closer, the police may also be involved in the incident. If re-animated, Emu himself could stand trial for Rod's murder.
BBC lawyers have alleged that Hull fell off the roof to his death because the sadistic bird had suddenly attacked him just as he had done on TV so many times before.

In other news, Rod's TV arch nemesis, the bloated black-toothed green-faced Grotbags, continues her copyright lawsuit against Pop Idol winner Michelle McManus over theft of image.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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