Ronnie Snots Club, Soho - (Ass Mess): A humunguous fistfuck broke out at the Ronnie Snots jazz club last night after a couple of Brazilian sax players overdid the tequila slammers and crystal meth combo, accusing Mick Jagger's girlfriend L'Wren Scott of being a trans-gender hooker who shagged for Al Gore during the Monica Lewinsky impeachment period.
And although the fracas was eventually dispersed without need for pesky cops, Ms Scott was left with a torn dress and her dignity in tatters after being publicly outed as Cuban fetishist Eduardo Morilla prior to surgery that Gore financed via a Tennessee faith-based charity for sickle-cell anaemics.
Patrons witnessing the melee were swiftly plied with copious open bar tabs in return for promising to have witnessed nothing.
Later around daybreak a couple of Special Branch unmarked cars appeared mysteriously in a neighboring mews and escorted the club's cook, a waitress and two pre-pubsecent boys who earlier had been seen dozing in the club's refuse disposal area.
Those who successfully milked the panicking club's largesse to include complimentary free transport home were stunned to see Ms Scott handcuffed in the back of the cops' Range Rover attempting to kiss one of her manhandling heavies.
A trawl through the day's press and celeb internet sites has resulted in a big zero.