Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 22 March 2007

image for Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to Be Camp Counselors
At the Paris and Nicole camp, no one will have to worry about sitting around the campfire and smelling like smoke

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie will be camp counselors at a camp for teenage girls in their next incarnation of The Simple Life. In it, they will work with young teens and tweens in the mountains to share the fountain of their knowledge. Unlike regular summer camps, computer camps, band camps, drama camps, or band camps, this will be a socialite camp.

While there, the 15 and 16 year olds will receive such classes as:

  • The easiest forms of birth control to use when you are drunk
  • How to tell which guys have money and which are faking it
  • How to increase your capacity for liquor intake
  • Why no one asks a blond socialite for a fake ID, so don't bother with them
  • Blowjobs, the best way to get past the rare security guards that do insist on IDs

Other classes, still under consideration at press time, include the following:

  • Underwear: a requirement or not
  • What to do when you wake up in a strange bed
  • Why bikini waxing ("The Brazilian") is necessary
  • How much flesh should you show the press?
  • Bulk discounts on home pregnancy tests

The camp will be open to girls who, according to Hilton, "aren't ugly or fat or look like little dykes or anything. These are just girls who want to have fun and maybe get drunk and laid a lot."

Unlike most summer camps, this one will not include campfires, sing-a-longs, nature hikes, canoes, softball, crafts, or matching camp t-shirts. Said Richie, "the nature hikes are only good with a blanket and some hot guy if he remembers to bring the bug spray, it is uncomfortable in the bottom of a canoe (you really need a yacht to make it good, but a waterbed is close enough), and who wants to match. Ewww!"

Applications are being accepted for the following male positions at the camp:

  • Lifeguard
  • Pool boy
  • Cabana boy
  • Waiter
  • Exotic Dancer
  • Houseboy
  • Sex slave
  • Toy
  • Male stripper
  • "Some kind of nerdy accountant numbers guy who can do all of the paperwork and stay out of sight of the rest of us because he probably would look gross or something"

Men interested should be, according to Hilton, "hot, clean, and have a nice, big package." Men interested in this, or any other position, with Hilton and Richie should apply in person at The Beverly Hills Hilton. Dress is optional.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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