Written by Blind Fool -••-
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Friday, 9 January 2004

image for New Star Wars Movie Going Straight To Video - "It's A Stinker"
Could someone slap this man upside the head and get him a throat lozenge?

Movie Rap: The news isn't good for George Lucas' latest endeavor after advanced screenings produced popcorn and Goober throwing amongst boos, laughter, making out, and laser pen abuse.

The reviews have been harsh for what is to be the third installment (sixth movie made) of the Star Wars cowboy swashbuckling operatic science fiction/fantasy drama laced with comic relief and silly cute characters so as to woo the 8-and-under crowd enticing them to want talking plastic action figures during the holiday season.

For starters, there's the title - "Attack of the 50-Foot Clone." Though there is no 50-foot clone in the picture, Lucas wanted to recapture the campy spirit of a previous hit.

And then there's the Luke and Leia birth scene. Lucas has them being born as conjoined twins. The script calls for Anakin Skywalker (their father and future Darth Vader) to become so enraged at this that he pulls out his light saber and tries to kill them.

But due to a fortunate miscalculated aim (led by the good side of the force, we are led to believe), the twins are separated with Leia's left foot being partially severed.

And then there's the new Sith introduced as Darth Larry, but he's not the only new villain in town. He's only part of an unholy trinity who terrorize the universe with destruction and general mayhem. Along with Darth Larry is Darth Curly and Darth Moe-fearfully known as the three Siths.

Lastly, the production technique being used has Lucas' mental fitness being questioned. He has decided for a throw-back and used stop-motion claymation for every scene. Nick Park, the English guy who does the "Wallace and Grommit" movies in which all the characters have wide teethy smiles when talking, is in charge of production.

This is said to have severely cramped Darth Vader's evil image as dark menace to the Republic. All star ships have these mouths and can talk as well.

And that's a wrap for Movie Rap this week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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