Written by The Clavicembalist
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Topics: Fashion, Size Zero

Wednesday, 14 March 2007

image for Latest from Beverley Hills
You're too fat love!

Forget size zero. Forget lollipop ladies. All that is so last week. Since Zoe Thin set size minus 4 - the so called 'string of pearls' - as the target for Beverley Hills fashionistas Kate Tiny has disappeared altogether since collapsing in a pile of vertebrae at a pre Oscar party in February. And string of pearls pioneer Lydia Femur was pictured in Thinspiration! magazine carefully hung up in her closet, resting before her next public appearance.

'It's unbelievably peaceful, just like nirvana', she told us through her personal assistant. 'It's a very special way to be. The whole world envies me as a beautiful cutting edge woman for the 21st century.'

Thin says, 'This is the real deal. Don't be scared of the hunger. It's your best friend. Once you really start to enjoy it, trust it, work with it and rely on it, then you're on your way. This is your thinspiration. You are doing the right thing. Go for it!'

And top agent Joe Moneycrazy, 49, says, 'At first sight it may look a little negative but in a very real motivational sense this is the most positive goal on the planet right now.'

Joe offers his clients a total package; motivational trainers, dietary and exercise advice, PR, media deals, wardrobe advice, medical supervision, all to see them through the shape changing adventure towards size minus four.

Exercise and diet are the twin peaks of the program. Clients who enrol in the Total Sadistic Boot Camp gym on Wilshire pursue a carefully planned exercise program which scales up to 22 hours a day weights and running.

The dietary regime is equally carefully planned. Total Sadistic Boot Camp have a team of friendly fridge buddies who support clients all the way with twice daily calls for a chat and a clear out. They know all the places a client losing motivation might hide an illicit cracker or bottle of water. Trainer Joy Lycra says 'Water is particularly bad - it just lies on your stomach and totally spoils the line, until you piss it away.' We asked Lycra if clients are ever caught with more substantial contraband; chocolate bars or spaghetti bolognese? 'Sometimes,' she concedes, 'even at this level, although my clients are beautiful highly motivated cutting edge women for the 21st century. They are all far richer and more beautiful than me, at least when they first enrol.'

Eventually the exercise regime leaves the clients absolutely no time to eat anything at all; so the twin programs neatly reinforce one another.

Joe Moneycrazy says, 'We all have obstacles to get over to be all we can be. My clients are all beautiful highly motivated cutting edge women for the 21st century. I tell them all it takes is a little will power, and the world will one day be at your virtual feet. Fear of death is an outmoded superstition which holds us all back. Posthumous fame never did Buddy Holly any harm. I have five ex-wives and all of them are into me for alimony. What am I supposed to do.'

But what about the reported depression, obsessive behaviour, loneliness, boredom, chronic insomnia, incontinence? 'That's all just psychological, like alcohol or drugs', says top model Sophie Handbag, throwing a hairbrush at an underling in her trademark playful gesture, for carelessly dropping her fresh syringe. 'You can't blame the fashion industry. These girls are absolutely not being pressured in any way. My own agency Skin & Bones always sees that the girls are as well fed and healthy as they possibly can be. The whole world is envious of them. These are beautiful highly motivated cutting edge women for the 21st century. Pass me that needle, for fuck's sake.'

And speaking at the Thin! Style Awards, where she was honoured as Model of the Year, Handbag praised recent initiatives to ban girls under 8 from the catwalk; 'They're just babies, really, aren't they?' she said, prettily wiping a glycerine tear as a camera focussed in.

And concerns about the quality of medical supervision? We were able to speak briefly to Dr Aloysius Shipman in a brief interval between patients a fix and dozing off in his office overlooking the Wiltshire Country Club grounds. 'I can assure you that at every stage in the process my clients have every opportunity to withdraw, if they have any real concerns about their health. My role is to manage these unhealthy fears. so they can achieve their goal of size minus four. Of course if they do choose to withdraw they face the trauma of repaying their advances but you appreciate that their agencies totally looks after all the business side for them. Obviously my overriding ethical duty is to the well being of my clients, who are all beautiful highly motivated cutting edge women for the 21st century.'

So there we have it. The string of pearls is within any woman's reach. All it takes is a little will power, a money crazy agent, the prospect of posthumous fame and a death wish. Don't say they don't have goals. Isn't it strange men don't do this?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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