Written by Mark Garrison
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Sunday, 11 March 2007

image for Secret to Star Jones' Weight Loss Revealed

Television personality and former co-host of The View, Star Jones, revealed the secret to her startling weight loss at a Hollywood press conference today. Star Jones, accompanied by her husband Al, announced that she simply ate 75% of her own body.

Star Jones said it wasn't easy eating herself, but it was well worth it. "There were times where I wanted to quit. But I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to be able to fit in a single airplane seat, that really kept me going," stated Star Jones.

Asked to explain the diet by members of the press, Star Jones said that whenever she got hungry she would just dab a little salt and pepper on a part of her body and "start munching."

Jones explained that the only time it got painful was when she contorted her body in order to dine on her back side. Jones also pointed out that her left butt cheek and right breast were the tastiest parts of the diet.

Now almost 200 pounds lighter, Star Jones admits there were times she wasn't sure she could finish the diet. "There was this one time when I ran out of mustard."

It has been noted that her dieting method is the reason behind her grotesquely sunken in head cheeks. It has also been noted that in a recent poll, people prefer the old Star Jones to the new one 25 butt cheeks to 1.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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