After many years and many conflicting verdicts from the Court of Public Opinion, none other than God Almighty has decided to weigh in on the 25 year-long Van Halen saga with a final decision.
TheSpoof.com's editorial board has decided not to risk damning their own souls to eternity in hell by editing God's statement in any way. So here it is, published in it's entirety: THE WORD OF GOD!
"Hi, everyone! It's me, God. Look, ya'll know that I'm not much of a micro-manager. I guess ya'll also know by my use of the word "ya'll," that I am in fact, from the South. Oh, well. One more mystery solved. Here's another bombshell: I love classic rock! I have kept quiet on this whole "Van Halen: Who's To Blame?" thing from the beginning. I was hoping ya'll could figure it out for yourselves. But it looks like it's time for me to once and for all, render a final verdict, so ya'll can quit arguing about the whole thing. So here goes:
IT'S ALL EDDIE'S FAULT!
That's right. I place all the blame for all the problems in America's greatest party band squarely on the shoulders of none other than guitarist Eddie Van Halen! Now, I know, I know, there's plenty of blame to go around; and I'll get to that. But the sins of the other band members were all reactionary sins to Edward's original sin. What sin is that, you ask? He's a jerk. There, I said it. Eddie Van Halen is a jerk. Sure, original lead singer David Lee Roth is a little too much of a showboat and second lead singer, Sammy Hagar, may have occasionally been an enabler, and we can't overlook that former bassist Michael Anthony is fat. And don't even get me started on how drummer Alex Van Halen acts more like a little brother, when so many times I wish he'd have done his big brotherly duty and smacked the crap out of Eddie and told him to shape up. But like I said, these things were just the results of Eddie being a jerk.
Don't think I lack sympathy for Eddie. I know he's a drunk, and I know he's in rehab...AGAIN! But, dangit, the guy's 52 years old! He should have worked through most of this stuff by now. I mean, who smokes cigarettes after they've had tongue cancer? Who kicks a founding member out of the band and replaces him with his 15 year old son? (Even if he is fat.) Who screws up a marriage to an eternally hot babe like that One Day at a Time chick? And worst of all, who can stand side-by-side with Diamond David Lee Roth and make Dave look like the mature one by comparison? Eddie Van Halen, that's who!
So here are my direct orders to Eddie Van Halen: Eddie, this is your last chance. Stay off the bottle, throw away the Marlboros, fire your son, rehire the fat guy, let the blond singer and the curly-blond singer take turns as your front-man, and most of all: QUIT BEING SUCH A JERK! The world needs Rock'n'Roll, and the world needs you! And if you do ever get the band back on tour, in any shape or form, don't forget who your friends are. I know a guy (me) who sure would love two tickets in the first three rows and maybe even some backstage passes, if you can swing it.
Eddie Van Halen was unavailable for comment. Alex Van Halen was too scared to comment. Sammy Hagar's phone was out service, since he's all the way down in Cabo, Mexico. Michael Anthony was away at dinner, thus unavailable for comment. The third singer could not be reached for comment because nobody remembers his name or how to contact him. And finally, David Lee Roth was all too ready to comment, but nobody cared or understood what he had to say, so it won't even be printed; but it is known that whatever he said rhymed and was followed by the sound of him laughing at whatever it was he said.