Written by Jack Bauer
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Saturday, 10 March 2007

image for Simon To Quit American Idol?
Artist's impression of new show

Sources say American Idol judge Simon Cowell is contemplating leaving the popular program.

Second hand gossip reports say he is fed up with cheap karaoke type performances and having to restrain his criticism to save the shows growing image as a self-esteem smashing torture chamber.

Co-judge Paula Abdul replied "Sho who caresh" in between sips of her coke when asked what she thought of Simon leaving. "I'm into the ( hic ) young guy crotches who givesh a (hic) shebangbang what Shimon doesh."

Randy Jackson, just repeated the words "dog, man, like dog you know, don't dog me with that stuff man you dog? Dog it if you want but dog man I just can't get into that dog shot, like you dog?"

Rumor has it that Simon is contemplating a new talent show that allows him to express his true feeling towards contestants with flogging, letting loose of large lions on to the stage during bad performance songs, stretching off key contestants on the rack, boot stomping genetically damaged ones, water torture of those who question his critiques, and the like. He says that "if it could work in Rome, it can work here."

Many top names of other famous celebrity judges have been floating around Hollywood and Vine regarding a replacement for Simon on Idol. Among the names mentioned from reliable sources are these known personalities:

  • Former wrestlers and Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura and Hulk Hogan.
  • Borat
  • Vern Troyer
  • Geraldo Rivera
  • Charleton Heston
  • Micheal Moore
  • Jerry Springer
  • Former Idol Contestant Willie Hung

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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