London - (Ass Mess): Former Celebrity Big Brother sponsor Carphone Whorehouse has complained that since its disastrous association with the racism reality TV show only pimps, brothel owners and abusive slags have bought its products.
"The BNP is now constantly soliciting us for donations to its election coffers and we get begging letters from World War II criminals hiding out from the Nazi catchers", said a company spokesman.
"Added to which Greenpeace is threatening to jam our mobile transmitters with a new video phone-frying microwave signal that melts handsets by using pirated Pentagon laser technology."
Meanwhile private investigators hired by the phone retailer are said to have evidence that Shilpa Shetty demanded that known UK racist slags were planted on the January 2007 show in a craftily staged PR bid to revive her flaqgging career.
"How else could a Z-list actress have come up smelling so sweetly of roses?"