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Thursday, 8 March 2007

image for Michael Winner is the Father of My Child - Charlotte Church
The two year no claims bonus did it for Charlotte

The world of light entertainment was thrown into turmoil last night when Charlotte Church announced that Welsh rugby's first David Beckham, Gavin Henson, "is history", and insurance salesman Michael Winner is the father of her child-to-be, Beyonce Bronwyn. Interviewed outside the Cardiff home they had built together, Winner had one hand on Charlotte's bump and the other on his cravat: "Oh For the Wings of a Dove. I wasn't a fan of the angelic Charlotte, but once she got raunchy my Hampton was like a caber. Calm down dear."

The rosy-cheeked couple are looking forward to parenthood, but their relationship wasn't without its ups and downs. Church: "He slapped my arse and said, 'Calm down dear'. I said, 'You've got a cheek, bigger tits than me, grandad'. And that was it, we were smitten. He had my signature on the dotted line, and now I've got a two year, no-claims, one named driver for free. What could be better than that?"

Gavin Henson, who cannot walk, talk or chew gum due to repeatedly playing rugby was staying in a Travel Lodge last night, and was unavailable for comment.

Welsh Charlotte once sang like an angel for President Clinton and Pope John Paul II, before becoming pregnant last week. Her web site said Church and rugby star-boyfriend Gavin Henson were 'history.'

"In an ideal world, we would not have made this announcement so early in the pregnancy. However, due to recent speculation and persistent questions from the media about me and Michael, I've no choice other than to go public and I'm keen to ensure that my fans had the opportunity to read the truth here first.'

Speculation about Church's relationship with Winner began when she was seen avoiding celebrities at her 21st-birthday party.

Church, who closed the 2002 Olympic Games in Salt Lake City with just one song, hosts her own light entertainment show on British television. She was voted The Woman of My Dreams in 2005, by GQ readers, the highest accolade she's received so far.

Last weekend, Charlotte Church ranted at Gavin Henson in public when she found he'd urinated in her bed. She was unimpressed that he was too drunk to even remember. The couple argued outside the Boozerloko club in Caerphilly. Nosy neighbours told The Spoof: "she kept asking him why he'd, you know, p--d in her bed, and she was having a go at him too. Henson was drunk, you know."

Later on, the drama adjourned to a nearby Travel Lodge. "She was screaming, You're too drunk. You don't care about me. Then she left him for Michael Winner. Unbelievable."

Spotted performing on TV at the age of five, Church released her first, 'Voice of an Anvil,' CD in 1978. The collection of easy-listening songs, including 'Knees Up Mother Brown,' 'When I'm Cleaning Windows' and Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'Eel Pie For Supper', her signature tune, sold out in 600,000 countries in ten minutes, and topped the popular music album charts beating Coldplay, U2, and Oasis into slots number two, three and four respectively. So she's worth a bob or two.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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