Written by Gail Farrelly
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Sunday, 4 March 2007

image for Captain Hook to Appear with Heather Mills on "Dancing with the Stars"
He makes offers that can't be refused

Heather Mills was the first "hook" for the show, but ABC recently decided that one hook wasn't enough.

They went searching for another and were delighted to find that Captain James Hook, Peter Pan's nemesis, had made another return from the dead and was available. "Hook will snare lots of fans," an ABC exec was overhead to say, adding "given the whole salmonella thing, people are enraged at Peter Pan, so they're bound to have great sympathy for James."

Spoof spies have discovered that Contestant Hook has presented some challenges. It wasn't easy for producers on the show to find him a partner. "Who wants to risk being caught by that guy?" is how one female dancer put it, as she pantomimed a scream and a stab in the back. After ABC offered 'hazard' pay, however, a naive female partner was hooked. Then came the next challenge, persuading insurance execs to continue to provide coverage for the show. Finally they were reeled in. Mission accomplished! Whew!

The final and most serious challenge has been dealing with the greedy crocodile that constantly follows Captain Hook around, attempting to gobble him up. Since Captain Hook seems to be his his only target, most of the dancers aren't afraid of him. For some reason, however, Vincent (sleepin' with the fishes) Pastore was terrified of the croc; in fact, insiders say this was the real reason Pastore left the show.

There is the issue of the constant ticking coming from the croc. It DOES create some chaos, as it interferes with the rhythmic counting of the dancers. As one of them put it, "If only the croc hadn't swallowed that stupid clock, he wouldn't be that much of a problem!"

Stay tuned for more info on the plans for the grand finale of this season of "Dancing with the Stars." The producers have not named names but have hinted that a one-legged female dancer MAY partner with a one-armed male dancer (Hint: The man is NOT the perp of the old "Fugitive" TV show). No doubt about it, we're hooked!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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