Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Thursday, 1 March 2007

image for Syrian Cartoon Claims Lindsay Lohan Muslim; U.S. Six-Year Olds Riot!
Could this face cause six-year olds to riot?

(New York, NY) Syrian United Nations Ambassador Imad Moustapha was quick to say "how does it feel when the Persian slipper is on the other foot" after a group of twenty-five six-year olds overturned five Hasbro electric cars and set fire to fifteen Barbie beach houses at a Florida Toys R Us yesterday. Also, Geoffrey Giraffe, played by actor Peter Billingsley, was hung in effigy. Mr. Moustapha was comparing this incident to the protesting and rioting last year in Europe by Muslims over cartoons negatively depicting Mohammed published in a Danish newspaper.

The U.S. riots were over a cartoon on the tween Syrian blog Fatwah Albert, depicting the sometimes bulimic and accident prone Lindsay Lohan dressed in harem pants, wielding a scimitar in one hand and Jessica Simpson's severed head in the other. The caption: "Death to untalented Christian virgins."

Initial action from the White House was inaction. "While the President has been aware of the radical Muslim tween blog for some time," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, "he felt no action was necessary when it came to monitoring six-year olds." When asked 'why' by a reporter, Snow replied, "duh, they're not tweens."

But the "duh" may turn out to be a Homer Simpson "do' h" for the administration, because the blog site publisher, the dual German-Syrian citizenship holding Ali Zahn, maintains that he legitimately obtained Lohan's image from a subsidiary of a Delaware based shell company with links to a Cayman Island based licensing corporation owned by Halliburton. In a phone interview from his Hamburg mosque, Ali Zahn, was adamant, ending with "I have zee papers, praise Allah." This has yet to be confirmed by Dick Cheney, who still remains in an Afghan bunker.

At his press conference, Snow gave this answer to the possible Muslim-Lohan-Halliburton link. "We continue to investigate. And if it is true, the President feels that he can say with a good deal of confidence, since the cartoon of Ms. Lohan is not a US citizen, he will have it detained under the Patriot Act." A follow-up question on if the Syrian government would be held accountable was met with "you're kidding, right?"

When asked why she rioted, a girl said, "the six-year old of 2007 is a lot more net savvy than the six-year old of 2003. And no terrorist f*cks with Lindsay or Jesus."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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