Written by Blind Fool -••-
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Tom Cruise, drunk

Wednesday, 31 December 2003

image for Tom Hanks A Violent Drunk, Friends Say
We still love you anyway, Tom!

The most beloved personality of our generation seems to have a hidden dark side according to those close to him. Tom Hanks (not to be confused with Tom Cruise) apparently can't control his emotions once he has partaken of adult beverages.

"One time after sipping down half a wine cooler at a local ice-house," said one undisclosed friend/family member, "Tomsie attacked and maimed a biker gang consisting of about a dozen or so members after one of them asked, 'Where's Jen-nie, For-rest?'"

After beating them all up, Hanks then proceeded outside where he threw down their Harleys and torched them while screaming, "I'm not Forrest, dang it! Dang it, all of you!"

The bikers, however, still pronounced their love and affection for Hanks and his acting abilities and asked for his autograph in which he politely gave. No charges were filed.

Tom Hanks (who has been called the Jimmy Stewart of our lifetime who, ironically, also had the same violent/alcoholic tendencies) seems to have had this problem from the beginning. On Hanks' TV show Bosom Buddies, the other guy he starred with recounted a similar incident.

"One day Tom ate a peach from the lunch table that was apparently a little over ripe. After about twenty minutes his speech began to slur and he started to come on to [actress] Donna [Dixon]. The director called it quits for the day and Tom became furious."

The other guy continued, "Tom trashed the set and even destroyed a half-a-million dollar camera. And how did the studio react? They gave him a contract extension with a bonus and his own dressing room, that little @%#&!"

Until now, Tom has been able to keep his private life private. But apparently his lack of anger management when saucing has become an elephant in the living room that can't be covered up any longer.

Rumors are now circulating of his tumultuous relationship with fellow actress Meg Ryan. Producers of their movies together had learned to harness his rage. Allegedly, they would spike Hanks' bottled water with 1 teaspoon of butterscotch schnapps.

"It was ugly to watch," said a key grip who witnessed the events. "He would rough her up and treat her like dirt. But she loved it." This is what apparently sparked their on-screen chemistry which has, in turn, earned the studio millions.

Ryan could not be reached for comment, but released a statement read to the media by her assistant:

"The allegations forged against Tom are totally false. He is the greatest man I've ever known. In fact, I miss him. I miss him very much. Come back to me, Tom. Please come back to me! Russell [Crowe] isn't half the man you were in those days. You know how to treat me right. Please come back..."

The rest of the message was unreadable due to a mixture some sort of moisture and mascara which blocked out the words.

Others who are said to be in fear of Hanks consists of Dreamworks (including Spielberg), Disney executives, terrorists and the Pixar animation staff-but it's a love/hate relationship.

They still need him, as do we.

-••-

Make Blind Fool -••-'s day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 plus 1?

5 25 6 16
81 readers are online right now!

Go to top