Written by Brancastrian
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Topics: James Bond

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

image for Thrilling New Departure For Agent 007
007-Shoots of Dill

The next James Bond film will "reflect these modern times" according to reports coming out of the movie world today.

Daniel Craig, who got a lot of praise for his role as the double agent in the last film will have a family backstory introduced early into the next movie which is provisionally titled "Don't Shoot, It's Not PC". He will be depicted as a single parent, struggling to bring up four children on a small Government salary whilst juggling his career; ex-wife; therapist; anger management group; homeopath; and spiritual guide, as well as his hobby of growing herbs in a little Islington allotment.

In the film, Craig plays a Bond who defies Government orders to shoot "...anyone who looks swarthy, walks strangely or has a carrier bag..." and travels to exotic locations trying to persuade the worlds villains to join him in opening a vegan retreat on the Isles of Scilly. His first encounter is with classic villain Goldfinger, they have a thrilling debate on the streets of New York with Goldfinger eventually agreeing to devote the rest of his life to fringe theatre and animal rights.

Bond drives a low emission Vauxhall Corsa that is fuelled by vegetable oil, in it, he meets the main love interest in the film, a down and out Estonian poet by the name of Michael. Together with Michael they thwart the plans of evil fruit farmer Hector Torrie to pay his migrant workers the minimum wage. Sadly, however, Michael dies after eating a poisonous mushroom whilst walking in the woods with Bond. In a moving scene, Bond learns how to cry, how to REALLY let it all out, and he achieves closure by writing and joining a primeval scream group in deepest Essex.

The climax of the film sees Bond speeding towards his Scilly Isles paradise, having rejected his past and embraced new life of couscous, pomegranate juice (shaken, not stirred) and crystals. We say farewell to him as he stands on the windy clifftops, wind ruffling his hemp clothing, and uttering the fateful words "...well, best milk the goats then..."

However, a dark and evil force is set to throw a shadow over his new life-nasty developers want to erect a beach kiosk, one that sells full fat (!!) ice cream near his home, will Bond come out of retirement in order to thwart their evil plan? The world awaits...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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