Written by Edward O'Neill
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Topics: Paul Daniels

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

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Daniels: Needs Debbie Back

Former primetime-television, illusion guru Paul Daniels, it has been revealed today, denies accusations that he is struggling to introduce new material into his act:

'Of course it's difficult to find inspiration at times', remarked Daniels 'however I tend to find stimulation in many ways throughout day- to- day life. Whether it be dropping my soap in the bath, buying a twenty pack or visiting the zoo, I know I'll be able to come up with something for the crowd.'

Following the demise of a credible television career, the disintegration of a loving relationship with sidekick Debbie Mc Gee and liquidation of their nighclub 'Secrets', Teeside funster Daniels can be found in 'Eighty-Eight' a Manchester Bingo hall, warming up the proles before the announcer begins.

'I know it's not David-Frigging-Blane or anything but it's a living, an honest one. I've really just taken the gig to tide-me-over while my career gets back on track' countered Daniels with a notably embittered tone.

Lifelong Bingo hall enthusiast and Eighty- Eight Stalwart Ted McGovern gave The Spoof reporter Fred Heart his opinion on Daniels latest version of the sawing-the-lady-in-half illusion:

'Is it just me or is this the sh*ttest thing you've ever seen?' enquired Mc Govern. 'He needs to get Debbie back; he's got a shop dummy with a monkey head as a prop. Frankly, it's insulting to the public if you ask me. I know the lad's down on his luck but this just isn't good enough for paying punters' griped the seventy- two year old.

Daniels disposition, despite moans from the crowd throughout the performance, was heart- wrenchingly chipper: 'I think it went really well, this is going to be a good year for me, I can feel it.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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