Spoof artist Blind Fool's rise in the spoofing entertainment industry has been as dramatic as it has been brief. But the writer's quick rise has been, in fact, too fast. The fame and gruelling schedule has proven too much for him.
Recently, Fool checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic for an undisclosed reason and that's where veteran reporter and goddess of the media Barbara Walters sat down with him for this exclusive interview:
Barbara: Thank you for speaking to me this morning, Mr. Fool.
Blind: Please, Barbara, call me Blind.
Barbara: Okay, Blind. So tell me, what do you think of your new found notoriety?
Fool: It's been overwhelming. It's been a living heaven and hell at the same time.
Barbara: Oh? Tell me about it.
Fool: For starters, there's the booze and the women.
Barbara: Booze and women? What about the money? Has that been a factor as well?
Fool: What money? You can actually get paid for doing this?
Barbara: Never mind. Anyway, booze and women are why you've checked into the clinic here?
Fool: Not really.
Barbara: If not the booze, women or money, then what for?
Fool: Kazoos, Barbara. OH MY LORD, THE KAZOOS!
Barbara: Kazoos? The child's humming musical toy instrument?
Fool: Yes, I'm in here for kazoo abuse. There, I said it (exhaling a long slow sigh of relief).
Barbara: Why don't you tell us more about it.
Fool: Well, my introduction to kazoos came at an early age. When I was six years old and in the children's choir at our church we used kazoos to perform a rendition of 'Yes, Jesus Loves Me.'
Barbara: Oh, I bet that was just precious.
Fool: Indeed it was Barbara. The love I felt from the applause that night was intoxicating. From that point on I knew that kazoos would always be a part of my life.
Barbara: But it hasn't always been easy, has it?
Fool: No. As a struggling comedic spoof artist before "making it big" kazoo use was commonplace among my fellow peers. Sure, at first I was just a recreational user, but use turned to abuse as my dreams of becoming a professional spoofer began to fade.
Barbara: You had given up.
Fool: Yes. And it was at that time that I first tried the technique of "zoozing."
Barbara: Yes, zoozing. I... I mean, what is zoozing?
Fool: Zoozing, Barbara, is where a user plays the kazoo breathing in and out as hard and fast as he can until the desired effect is reached.
Barbara: Can't you get that same effect by just breathing in and out heavily without the kazoo?
Fool: Not really. The vibration from the kazoo's membrane tickles the nasal cavity sending a signal to the brain which in turn releases a chemical which has a long scientific name that I cannot pronounce. That chemical produces a feeling that is beyond nirvana and very addictive.
Barbara: Yes. Yes.
Fool: I got to where I was passing out every time I zoozed. I had hit rock bottom.
Barbara: So what happened then.
Fool: I had no money. Finding kazoos became almost impossible. Sure, I could score a cheap used kazoo here and there, but the poorly manufactured membranes wouldn't last. Then one day I found a brand new kazoo still in its packaging in a dumpster out behind a Toys-R-Us store. It must have been thrown out by mistake.
Barbara: Did you zooz?
Fool: Yes, right there. I soon passed out behind the dumpster.
Barbara: How long were you out?
Fool: Well, when I woke up in the hospital they told me that I had been in a coma for six weeks. They also told me that a terrible incident involving a pit bull and fruitcake happened on the other side of that very same dumpster the same day, and that I was lucky to be alive.
Barbara: Were you scared?
Fool: Of course not, Barbara. I had been unconscious. Sheesh!
Barbara: No, I mean once you woke up. Were you upset about the incident and subsequent coma?
Fool: No, not really. In fact, it was a blessing.
Barbara: Really? How so?
Fool: The six weeks that I was out was like quitting cold turkey. I became clean and sober from kazoo abuse thanks to the coma.
Barbara: Then you ran across TheSpoof.com?
Fool: Yes, everything changed. With a clear mind I was able to write out spoofs for the site.
Barbara: That's where you hit the big time?
Fool: Yes. My popularity grew and before I knew it, I was getting invited to parties where booze and women were in abundance.
Barbara: And kazoos?
Fool: Yes, kazoos too. You know, it's ironic. When you're struggling you can't hardly afford one. But when you make it big people are throwing kazoos at you left and right. And these aren't the cheap plastic ones mind you, these are the metal ones with a ten-year membrane warranty.
Barbara: And that's where you fell victim to kazoo abuse again?
Fool: Yes, and that's why I checked myself into the clinic here. Can we change the subject now?
Barbara: Is it the kazoo abuse that influenced you to change you name from Blind Fool to just the symbol -••-?
Fool: I don't know. But I quit that because everyone was referring to me as the spoof artist formerly known as Fool instead of just -••-. Can we please change the subject from kazoo abuse now?
Barbara: Okay, what do you think about the recent controversy between TheSpoof.com and Tom Cruise?
Fool: That's all water under the bridge I suppose. But this is America and if a person who plays make-believe for a living gets his tender ego bruised due to an obviously fictitious spoof based on his life, it's his right to sic his lawyers on them, I guess.
Barbara: Did it want to make you leave The Spoof.com?
Fool: Absolutely not. This site has some of the best writers I've seen anywhere. They're a refreshing relief from burned out writers who pen comedy or shows such as SNL and MAD TV who's only arrows in the quiver are sexual innuendo and gross shock.
Barbara: Speaking of which, thanks for not making fun of my speech impediment in this article as they once did.
Fool: You're welcome, Bawbawa.
(The two shared a light-hearted moment of laughter ending in an awkward moment of silence.)
Barbara: Well, ahem... It seems you have strong feelings for TheSpoof.com.
Fool: Yes. Not only do they give a chance to virtual unknowns, but also 2nd chances to washed-up yahoos such as myself. Thank you TheSpoof.com!
Barbara: To what do you owe your rise to the top?
Fool: You mean on the 'Writers Page'?
Fool: Well that's easy. There's one silly story that I wrote which became very popular for some reason or other. That story was the one about Trista and Ryan's divorce. It makes up about half of my total points at around 4900 hits at this time.
Barbara: So basically you got lucky.
Fool: In a nutshell, lucky squirrel found a home.
Barbara: Aren't you thrilled about that?
Fool: Not really. It just goes to show just how shallow our pop-culture has become. I'm really fearful about the entertainment future of our country.
Barbara: So you think that the point system is based on the number of hits a story gets?
Fool: That's the best I can figure. There's just one hole in that theory, though.
Barbara: What's that?
Fool: There's a writer near the top who's always been there. That's Jennifer Wood and she only has one story while everyone else has several. It just doesn't make sense.
Barbara: Then why do you believe she's near the top?
Fool: It must be her bio pic. She's smokin' hot!
Barbara: Do you find me smokin' hot, Fool?
Barbara: Do you find me attractive? Am I pretty?
Fool: Well... I... Um...
Barbara: You're not afraid of older women, are you? (said while undoing top button of blouse)
Fool: Please, don't. You know I'm vulnerable right now.
(Barbara, while licking her lips, pulls a gold-plated kazoo from her purse. Fool gasps.)
Barbara: I've been zoozing for decades, Blind.
Fool: That explains a lot.
Barbara: Come with me, Fool. Come with me now.
Fool: I... don't know. I... (then bites clinched fist)
(Barbara hums a bar from the kazoo.)
Fool: Please don't. Please! (shouted while covering ears and shutting eyes tightly)
(Barbara hums the kazoo again only longer and louder.)
Fool: Okay! Okay! You win! I can't take it any longer! Let's get outta here!
They were last seen exiting the building with Barbara shouting, "I always win! I always win! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-haaa!" with the Fool huffing and puffing heavily on her kazoo.