Written by Gail Farrelly
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Friday, 16 February 2007

image for Britney Spears Huddles with New York Mayor Bloomberg to Deal with iPod Ban
Ban the iPods and New York could become a ghost town

New Yorkers panicked when a state senator, citing safety concerns, proposed legislation to ban the use of handheld electronic devices (cellphones, music players, mini computers, etc.) by pedestrians crossing the streets in large cities of the state.

Most people in New York City seemed to feel they could "survive" without some of these gizmos. But do without an iPod? No way! Officials fear the city could become a ghost town if the ban goes through and no action is taken.

New York Mayor Bloomberg is watching the progress of the legislation carefully, but he's also conferred with Britney Spears and come up with an emergency plan. Should the ban go through, to substitute for iPods, there will be music from the CDs of selected artists piped through loud speakers on all the major streets of New York City. For a start, the music will be provided by Britney (natch!), P. Diddy Coombs, Ricky Martin, Shakira, and Tony Bennett. Chewing gum at a press conference, Britney was blunt about the selection of artists, "Hey, we got it covered. Ya know, we gotta please men, women, whites, blacks, hispanics, and old people." She admitted she had also suggested showing her music videos on huge screens in Times Square and other areas in the city, but the mayor (afraid that this would result in numerous collisions involving pedestrians, cars, and trucks) nixed the idea.

Fortunately, the emergency plan won't cost New York City a penny. The presidential campaign committee of former mayor Rudy Giuliani will bear the cost of the music and has promised only limited interruptions for commercial breaks.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs could not be reached for comment. However, it's rumored that he's in a huff about the iPod substitution plan and has his lawyers working on having it declared an unfair trade practice. He's confided to friends, "New Yorkers may call their city The Big Apple, but if they try any funny business, they'll find out there's a much bigger Apple out there. We'll make applesauce out of 'em."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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