New York City, Feb 14 - In a press conference broadcast on FOX Network affiliates and on the FOX News Channel this morning, Chief of Programming for the FOX Broadcast Network, Reed Publican, announced a hastily assembled new reality show which will begin airing on February 20, just in time for the tail end of sweeps.
The show will focus on determining the legal father of Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern, the 5 month old daughter Anna Nicole Smith left behind when she took a few too many sips from her methadone fridge last week.
The full text of this press conference appears below:
Ladies and Gentlemen...there has been a lot of speculation about the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter since her untimely death last Thursday. To say that the child's paternity is in dispute would be an understatement.
Already a photographer, her lawyer-slash-manservant, a crazy old man, a bodyguard and a guy who's been dead for 11 years have all laid claim to Dannielynn, and Anna's body isn't even in the ground yet!
It occurred to us at FOX that this would make a wonderful topic for a reality show, given the number of men who theoretically could have fathered Anna Nicole's child. Our actuaries estimated that Dannielynn, who was born on September 7, 2006, could have been conceived at any point between late November 2005, and early January 2006, or an approximate 40 day window of time. Further, they estimated that it could be reasonably expected that Anna would have had unprotected sex with approximately 15 different men each day, not counting anyone more than once in this time-frame, which led them to estimate the number of potential fathers who might come forward to be somewhere between 500 and 600 men. On providing our assumptions to one of Anna's closest friends, she stated that based on her knowledge of Anna's sexual practices, 800 or 900 was a more accurate estimate.
Given this large pool of potential contestants, it occurred to us that this program would fit well into the American Idol format. We envision the program to go something like this-the first three programs would show the auditions.
How do you audition for a paternity test you ask? Well, we anticipate that we're going to get a lot of contestants who never in a million years could have gotten in Anna's pants.
To judge this, we're going with the concept of a jury of Anna's peers, which means we will need one hoochie mama, one gold digger and one close personal friend of Anna's who will gladly betray her trust to turn a quick buck.
For the hoochie mama, we are pleased to announce we are this close to landing our #1 choice, Paris Hilton. We are very hopeful this one works out because our second choice, Linsay Lohan, has neither the breadth nor depth of hoochiedom as Hilton, and our third choice, Pamela Anderson Lee Rock is more of a star-fucker than a hoochie mama.
If all three fall out, we do have an almost unlimited supply of Celebutards who have slept with Girls Gone Wild founder Rick Solomon, so I suspect we'll be alright.
For the gold digger, we are looking at our database of women who have falsely claimed to find body parts in their fast food, and cross referencing this list against a list of women who have been married and divorced at least 3 times, where at least 2 of the ex-husbands have been multi-millionaires. If we have too many candidates, we plan to cross reference this list against the women who have let an 11 year old son spend at least 2 nights unsupervised at Neverland Ranch. If we are lucky enough to find this triple threat, no interview will be necessary.
As for the close friend willing to make a quick buck off her death, we anticipate having more applicants than we know what to do with.
These 3 expert judges will audition each contestant, assessing his looks and asking pointed questions about his financial prowess, power or other features which could have made him attractive enough to Anna for her to have slept with him. The judges will rank him on a scale from 'yeah, right, whatever' to 'that's hot'.
It is anticipated that Howard K. Stern will be eliminated in this round as clearly Anna Nicole never saw him as a human being, but rather as something to be used, more akin to a tampon.
Conversely, everyone who's judged as that's hot will move on to the main show, where they will actually have their DNA swabbed and compared to Dannielynn's. Night by night individual strands will be compared to eliminate contestants until after 10 weeks of 2 shows per week, it will be down to two potential fathers.
The season finale will be a 2 hour retrospective with footage of each man having his DNA tested, interspersed with several commercials to stretch it out for dramatic impact. In the last 2 minutes it will be revealed who the real father is.
In the event that neither of the finalists turns out to be the father, we will compare the DNA of all the rejects in a follow up episode to air the following week, just in case someone was eliminated incorrectly, and if we still don't find the real father, a second follow up episode will be aired, where legal guardianship will be awarded to the winner of a dance off.
We feel this will make for amazing entertainment for FOX viewers, while settling a highly contentious issue.
In bringing this top notch programming to you the viewer, we considered a number of names for the show. We really liked American Dad, but that was already taken by another hit show on FOX, so we were leaning towards Who Wants to be a Babydaddy? However, we decided that this title was better suited to another project we're working on where contestants vie for a chance to have sex with a woman whose husband is sterile. Finally we've settled on what in retrospect is the only logical choice for a program like this...Who's Your Daddy?
If all goes well, we hope to follow up in May sweeps with a reality show based on the trial where Dannielynn's new legal guardian will square off against the Marshall clan to vie for J. Howard Marshall's estate...the show will of course be called Who Wants to Inherit an Assload of Money?
Not to be outdone, ABC executives are in talks with Anna's toothless cousin Shelly, for a series tentatively entitled, Who Wants to Marry a Toothless Hillbilly?