Written by kgramone
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Monday, 12 February 2007

image for The Police Reunite in Adult Diapers to Play Grammys, Tour
Hordes of mouth-breathing dolts are expected to dole out $150 a pop to see The Police in diapers.

The Police, after a 20-year hiatus, kicked off a world reunion tour this week by playing the Grammys to commemorate the 30-year anniversary of the band's formation. That they were old and creaky was lost on no one.

Receding hairlines and guitarist Andy Summers' ample mid-section gave evidence that the Police are what many 1980s bands like them are - a bunch of old guys playing old songs in adult diapers.

"We don't want to be another of those tired 1980s bands that does the county fair circuit or plays free outdoor shows to mouth-breathing idiots who only showed up to hear one song, whether it be 'My Sharona' or 'Jessie's Girl'," said Sting, lead vocalist and bassist for the Police. "We had a number of huge hits, so we want the mouth-breathers who can inexplicably afford $150 per ticket to come and hear us play indoors."

"We are still accomplished musicians," said Summers. "We are not a novelty act. Never mind that we're incontinent and have to drink Assure, we rocked the place and look forward to coming to your town to rock your ... pardon me, I've just farted."

Jazz-style drummer Stuart Copeland concurred. "I feel as strongly as I ever did. Sure, I did miss miming to the obviously piped-in backing vocal on 'Roxanne' a couple of times on the Grammys, but people didn't tune in to hear me not sing. They tuned in to see if I could get through a song without shitting myself."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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