Written by Blind Fool -••-
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Topics: Reality TV, Makeover

Wednesday, 24 December 2003

image for Queer Eye For That Saddam Guy
"I will pluck out your queer eye, infidel."

The Bravo Network is announcing that it has shot and will air an episode of its highly popular reality TV program in which some gay men do a total makeover on a needy heterosexual male.

What makes this one so special is that it is none other than ousted sadistic dictator Saddam Hussein who has been chosen to receive the special attention.

However none of the regular gay makeover artists wanted to touch the former Iraqi leader, so another person willing to make over Hussein had to be found.

Enter... Chico.

Chico is a 21 year old male Cuban immigrant living in Miami, Florida who had never heard of Hussein. He is a self-taught makeover stylist with one and a half years experience.

Chico says his style is influenced by a mixture of Cuban flare, the Miami nightclub scene, and the young womens' clothing rack at Wal Mart.

The Bravo Network has released a partial transcript of the episode to the media for immediate release. Here it is...

Chico: Hellllllllo, and welcome to the show. Tonight we're going to be making over a Mr. Saddam Hussein (Chico pronounces it 'Sodom'). I'm terribly excited about tonight's makeover. Are you as excited as well Saddam?

Hussein: I'm going to kill you.

Chico: Ha ha. Oh that's funny Saddam. We will, however, be giving you a killer new look to go along with your infamous reputation. Are you ready?

Hussein: You are a spawn of the Great Satan and I am going to kill you.

Chico: Saddam, you nut, I can tell this is going to be a real challenge but I'm up to it. And speaking of challenges, lets start with those bushes you call eyebrows, honey.

Hussein: (No response.)

Chico: They need to be about one tenth the width they are now, so I'm going to recommend a hot wax peel to trim them up a bit.

Hussein: Touch them and I'll stuff you in a wood chipper and feed you to my dogs you imperialist scum.

Chico: Okay, well... maybe let's start with your wardrobe then. It looks as if you just rolled out of bed, wrapped the bed sheet around you, then walked out into public. That may be comfortable child, but it'll get you arrested and frisked by the fashion police.

Hussein: (Spits in Chico's face.)

Chico: Well, I can see that if we're going to turn you into a successful metrosexual, we're going to have to work on your social etiquette as well.

Hussein: (Spits again.)

Chico: Now lookie here Saddam (wiping off face), if you're going to be tried in an international court charged with war crimes and crimes against humanity, you'll want to look your very best, won't you?

Hussein: I have a special room for your mother.

Chico: I'm thinking maybe vertical stripes for that slimming effect. You have put on the pounds and...

Hussein: (Grabs chico's throat and starts squeezing with both hands.)

Chico: Ack... wheeze... gasp...

End transcript.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow night for the dramatic conclusion of Hussein's extreme makeover and his final reveal. Airs 9pm (8pm CST).

And airing at 10pm is a special report documentary entitled 'Chico: The life and death of a Cuban immigrant makeover artist.'

Only on The Bravo Network.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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