‘Tinsel Town' was in a state of panic last night when it was found that a deadly, new strain of virus was causing celebrities to shrink.
Michael Douglas and his beautiful wife from the Welsh Valleys were particularly worried.
‘We went to bed early last night,' Catherine Zeta Jones sobbed.
‘I took off my make-up and measured Michael, just as I normally do.'
‘But I was devastated to find that he had shrunk by 2 inches!'
‘At first I thought our son, Dylan was playing tricks on us by chopping bits off the tape measure, but the tape was fine.'
‘If Michael carries on shrinking at the present rate, He will be a midget by New Year,' she confided.
‘Still, looking on the bright-side, he will be able to be play one of Willy Wonka's Umpa , Lumpas, when he gets down to 18 inches.'
Doctor William Batty, a top virologist, explained that the virus is believed to have been brought into the States by George W Bush, following his recent trip to Great Britain.
‘The President is very fond of celebrities,' he added.