Las Angeles - In an announcement to a throng of one reporter and two on-lookers who weren't really paying attention today, shock-rocker Marilyn Manson swore he would make the news again.
"For a while there, I was front page news," said Manson. "I mean, people hated me. I have this scary eye and stuff and I'm really weird. But it seems like no one cares about that anymore."
Manson says that his "newsworthyness", a word he made up and hopes becomes a household term, has been "stolen" by other stories in recent years.
"First, it was the terrorist attacks," said Manson. "Then, it was the war. Now, even Anna Nichole Smith is more newsworthier than me. I made up that word too."
Manson stated that he even tried wearing a second contact in his right eye to make it "just as creepifying" as the other eye. "No one seemed to care, though," he said.
The singer has resorted to other methods to gain attention. "When he heard about Anna Nichole Smith he got some ideas," says Manson's manager Albert Rumstead. "Just this morning I heard him say in a really loud voice, 'I'm going into my room now! Gee, I sure do have a lot of drugs in there! Golly! I hope I don't overdose or anything!'"
Rumstead says that Manson did not come out of his room for four hours. "After a while," said Rumstead, "I heard a muffled voice from upstairs say 'Hey! Maybe you should check on Mister Manson!' The tone of the voice changed to a higher pitch and it said, 'Yeah! I thought I heard some moaning! Boy! I hope he's okay!'"
Rumstead stated that even though both voices sounded like Manson's, he decided to "placate" the singer, and went upstairs to check on him.
"When I opened the door to his room I saw him drop his Game Boy and run over by the bathroom and lay down on the floor," said Rumstead. "I asked him if he was okay and he didn't answer."
Rumstead left Manson where he was and went back downstairs.
"I thought he was going to call the police," said Manson. "Seeing as how I was lying on the floor unresponsive and stuff. But he never came back up."
Manson then went back downstairs, sat down by his manager with an exaggerated sigh and said, "Man, I sure am depressed today! I am very blue, and hope I don't do anything stupid!"
Rumstead was reported as replying, "Yep! That would suck, alright!"
Marilyn Manson kept up his "attempt at making the news" for almost two days, going so far as to trip on the sidewalk and pretending to skin his knee.
"People just walked by and laughed," Manson said.
Onlookers simply told him to "Get off the ground, you moron!" and "Hey, Manson! Ever hear of a tanning bed, you ghost-white freak?"
Manson's attempts ranged from talking really loud in public about how much his head hurt, to carrying around a blow-up Satan doll and telling people "Satan and I are to be wedded!" But the rocker said nothing worked.
"All they care about is Anna Nichole!" Manson said. Then, he stomped his foot and yelled, "Anna Nichole! Anna Nichole! Anna Nichole! What about me, people! Did you forget about -"
In other news, little Jeffery Freeman's birdy, Mr. Whistles, died today in a tragic cat attack . . .